God Doesn’t Say…"Oops"

Well, now to the point, “focus Melissa!”…something I need, focus, focus, focus! When I first moved to Kentucky I was so full of calluses, hate, mistrust, and inwardly fighting a battle I couldn’t win, that I sat in a corner and licked my wounds, tried to put on my best acting chops, and got mad at everyone else when the ground was slipping from underneath me and I was spiraling down into a deep blackness of despair. None of the tricks that I had perfected were working, and even finding my beloved church I tried to weasel my heart into theirs by “pleasing” them. It was a mask and a big one that only made those around me turn off. In the end I was forced to come to grips that it wasn’t about me, and I wouldn’t be getting anywhere with anyone without being authentic in the way I treated them, and began to show more of who I was.

When I graduated from college I thought everything would fall into a neat little package for me and life would take me on this amazing adventure that was phenomenal and exciting. Life would just make sense. “Hah! Hah! Hah!”…yeah, doesn’t work that way. In the end, more struggles more fighting, and finding a space through blogging, my first full time job, and growth with God in a God centered, passionate, devoted, discipleship, and missions driven meat feeding church (once you go that way you can never go back). I was content, until the doors and walls and ceiling started closing in on me at work and for the first time I felt something I never really thought myself truly capable of…apathy. It wasn’t despair or depression or any emotion that sort of left me feeling numb, no it was a simple thought of I don’t care, I’m not happy where I’m at, but you know I like me and in the world’s eyes I’ve got it all, so I’m good. In the end when I left work on July 19th I once again thought everything was going to fit perfectly in a neat concise little pile. I would move to Asheville, NC, find another wonderful church, have a great job, and all would be right with the world. Um, well, October 19th will be three months that I will be gainfully unemployed. I have come home expanded my search, been on my knees, and for the first time in my life have no idea where in the world I’m going. God has got me in a great place because really He could tell me to do pretty much anything and I would do it. In the end though, I talked a big talk. I said this is the will for my life…and God said, “Did I give clearance for those orders?”…I was so confident because it just made sense. Oh, the power of logic.

The truth is in many ways I feel like Job and my worst fear has come true. That somehow I wouldn’t hear God’s plan for my life and hear I am 26, unemployed, and living with my parents. But, hold on, could this be exactly where God wants me…NO! He wouldn’t do something like this would He. Let me tell you what He has done. He has forced me to really look at my life, what I’ve been living for, and what I spend my money on. He has been showing me that I’ve been chasing after the wind. He is spoken to me through sermons, prayers, and scripture, and said, “Melissa, life isn’t about you, but it is about surrendering to Me!” For the first time in my life I really want to live for Him! I don’t want to be fake, I want to live authentically! I’m giving up things I said I would never give up. I’m begging for the barrage in my head to be quiet, so that I can hear the still small voice. I know that if I had not taken this time in my life to be unemployed I would not be where I am with the Lord, He would have never moved. Who knows what the next step will be? Yeah, I often wake up panicked and feel I’ve missed the boat, I’m terrified, but in the end I know all is going to work out. It sort of freaks me out to think of working part time, 26, and living at home…seems like a failure to me, but in the end I’m looking at it through the world’s standards. Maybe this is right where God wants me. I have to depend on others, I can’t provide for myself. I’m having to depend on God…I’m having to take a good look at what I’m about.

When I do get gainful employment I don’t want to spend money on any thing that is not edifying to me in some way, I’m not saying that isn’t fun, but if it is in the end going to hurt my walk with God I don’t need it. I want a real ministry. I want a family. These are the things I want, and for the first time in my life I’m asking God what He wants me to do. I’ve never done that before. I always said, “Well God this is what I’m gonna do!”

I’m thinking about writing, and you might be saying after reading this you think you can do that, well no I don’t think I can do it, but maybe God does. Writing is something I’ve always considered a hobby, but a ministry…I just don’t know. I’m not saying at all it’s what I’m doing, cause Lord knows it could change on a dime. Wherever He leads I’ll go.

So, God doesn’t say…”oops!” in our lives. He says, “Do you trust me?” I’m thinking, “Yes???” Please just keep me in your thoughts and prayers…that I will hear God, do what He says, and be a witness on this journey to His love and mercy. I don’t want a wasted life. He is faithful, so faithful.

As we turn to look at the old parchment one more time, our eyes find the sentences by one former traveler “Don’t be afraid of embracing the disappointment you feel, old or new. Don’t be scared of the unreasonable joy either. They’re the highway markers home. I’ve gone on ahead. Yours Truly.” (Sacred Romance, P. 127-128, Curtis and Eldredge).