If I wrote a book I’d title it, “I woke up tired!”
In hindsight, this is probably not the best title for a book. It certainly goes against the grain of a perfectly quaffed social media presence or ‘live your best life’ sentimentality. Let me be very clear, I have the utmost respect for all the varying beautiful ways we choose to live our lives. Yet, there is a dangerous bend toward the belief that we can do it all and have it all. For those of us that barely get our faces washed and are succeeding in life with clean underwear, the measure of success is different.
I may not run a fortune five hundred company (the thought of actually running one makes me slightly nauseous). I certainly don’t have a million followers on my blog. I’m not married and have no children of my own. I’ve never been published or ever finished writing a book. I’ve come to terms that some of these things will never be, and some I don’t wish to be so. In truth, the comparison rope has reached its end. There is a measure of success that carries far more weight than keeping all balls up in the air while looking pretty. If I’m kind and pour hope into broken hearts, living authentic and compassionate love, do I not have wealth? Am I not successful?
As a woman, I tend to push through any and all circumstances. I often rush through emotions, fatigue, heartaches and focus on the action at hand. Robotic, I forget what it feels like to be alive. Weariness settles in my bones. I’m tired of the way I hide and sit with my fears.
Some of my dearests are going through harsh and seemingly unfair things: cancer, lost income, fear, anxiety, lost job, lost hope, inconclusive test results, broken marriage, broken heart, too much on their plate, loneliness, hurt feelings, death of a loved one. The list surmounts. The hurt breaks me. I’m tired of seeing people battered and bruised. I’m tired of not understanding why these things happen.
I’m also unbelievably tired of the way people throw angry words at each other. The way we are unable to find common ground even if we should disagree. I’m tired of the, “I’m right and I will annihilate you” mentality.
There is a story that beats to the rhythm of faith. I will not be silent in the midst of suffering or injustice. Though tired, I am mighty! The goal is authenticity. This means not pushing through. Instead, sit and wait. Experience the things around you away from your phone or any other electronic device. The process of truly working through something will make us stronger, more resilient. A heart of compassion for ourselves and the grace we give each other can be life changing.
We all come to a final end. This end is only the undefinable beginning of complete reality. Until this day, we sludge through fatigue and, at times, feeling unglued. If we attune our souls to that far distant drumbeat, dance to its rhythm, feel love cover us, then the steps of suffering and weariness will lead us to lasting hope. I believe this.
“God has promised that he will lead us to green pastures and still waters. He will restore our souls. Our cups will overflow. His desire for us is always good.” – David Arms
I look at the jagged shards of life. I pick each sharp piece up and examine it. How a finger drug across its rough edge will leave a red trail. The aching and crushed will heal. This frenetic overwhelming life is deeply purposeful. It is impossible to be everything for everyone. We must attune our souls to that which is more. The real road is hidden, narrow and winding. My heart quickens at the thought of the adventure (something I’m going to write about in my next blog entry). This life is meant to be lived to the fullest extent. There is joy.
“Joy is not happiness on steroids…Joy is rooted in God and His kingdom, in the surety of His goodness, His love for us. It is immovable. Unshakable. Joy is available at all times, day and night, because God and His Kingdom are always available to us…Whatever may be swirling around us, the eye of the storm is joy…” – Stasi Eldredge, Defiant Joy, P. 11-12
I tend to bend toward woe. I do not find joy easily. There is a desperate need to be defiant in joy. The only way to navigate the pain and disappointment is to stand on the foundation of His promises. There is so much more at work than what we can see with the naked eye. The hurt is very real and very deep. The trials we face are not to be brushed aside. Jesus felt every blow, every insult, every nail, and every drop of blood that left His body.
As Psalm 126:5 says:
“They who sow in tears shall reap with joyful singing.”
The grey slate of fatigue can leave us broken down and bone weary. The ordinary becomes muted and stale. There is a lackluster in our hearts, with little to no ambition. Days bleed into each other. Soon there are more years behind than ahead. What is the measure of a life? How do we reconcile this quaking loss?
Sometimes, we just get by – giving ourselves abundant grace. There is enough time and there isn’t. It is what we do with this space and time we have that is vital. Friends, I hope you know that it is okay to be tired. This world can beat you up and spit you out. There is never been anyone who could do it all. This is why God calls us into rest and renewal.
Eat that cookie. Say that prayer. Put one foot in front of the other.
If you forget to wash your face or wear mismatched socks, that is okay!
My one plea, is that we would all lean into the solid of life, allowing all inconsequential travails to slip by. Sit with the weightier things and allow yourself to feel…
Amaranthine steeples, holy ground, bending low in benediction as refracted light – color splayed – falls broken. Soul renewing. Awakening. Revitalizing. Oh, joy! His renewal! His mercy! New every morning!
“The Lord is my light and salvation –
So why should I be afraid?
The Lord is my fortress, protecting me from danger,
So why should I tremble?
When evil people come to devour me,
When my enemies and foes attack me,
They will stumble and fall.
Though a might army surrounds me,
My heart will not be afraid.
Even if I am attacked, I will remain confident.
The one thing I ask of the Lord – the one thing I must seek –
Is to live in the house of the Lord all the days of my life,
Delighting in the Lord’s perfections and meditating in his Temple.
For he will conceal me there when troubles come;
He will hide me in his sanctuary.
He will hide me out of reach on a high rock.
Then I will hold my head high above my enemies who surround me.
At his sanctuary I will offer sacrifices with shouts of joy,
Singing and praising the Lord with music.
Hear me as I pray, O Lord.
Be merciful and answer me!
My heart has heard you say, “Come and talk to me.”
And my heart responds, “Lord, I am coming.”
Do not turn your back on me.
Do not reject your servant in anger.
You have always been my helper.
Don’t leave me now; don’t abandon me, O God of my salvation!
Even if my father and mother abandon me, the Lord will hold me close.
Teach me how to live, O Lord.
Lead me along the right path, for my enemies are waiting for me.
Do not let me fall into their hands.
For they accuse me of thing I’ve never done;
With every breath they threaten me with violence.
Yet I am confident I will see the Lord’s goodness while I am here in the land of the living.
Wait patiently for the Lord.
Be brave and courageous.
Yes, wait patiently for the Lord.
Psalm 27 NLT
Reflection of Providence 