A Different Kind of Beauty

Rewriting my narrative without fear of rejection

 

One of our Hope Lodge guests stopped me the other day and said, “did you forget?” I replied, “forget what?” He said, “how valued and loved you are!”

This guest, since he and his wife checked in, has been a cup-filler for me. Our running greeting goes something like this…

S: How are you?

Me: Fantastic, wonderful, great, awesome

S: Amen…love you, girl!

He sees behind the veil of a human heart & calls out a different kind of beauty.

 

The hopeful part of life is God will crack our seed of insecurity, growing us – making us beautiful. My shell has always felt confining. I’ve never felt attractive. Desperate to be seen, I’ve made foolish decisions with devastating results. Physical beauty was for others, I’d bank my life on service to gain value. I’ve said things about myself I would never say of another human being, much less think of someone else. Beauty was a mirage and I bled to make it corporeal. In truth, there is no amount of positive reinforcement others can bring to your being if you don’t feel you are worthy. All the praise and genuine compliments will go in one ear and out the other. As cliché as it might seem, it does come from within. It is a choice to either reflect all those life scenarios that validated your hurt, or to let go and see the breathtaking that is you!

This narrative is my own. In the end it comes down to me to choose to see me. I’ve been praying, “Lord, let me see me as you see me”. What He sees is otherworldly. It is beyond all compare. It is so beautiful it hurts to look upon.

I’m laying down this baggage for an audience of one. I’m choosing to change the way I see myself. I’m moving from desperate striving to alluring grace. I’ve been looking at all my past rejection through the light of this lens. There has been much healing found through this process.

On my nightly walks around the neighborhood I’ve forced myself to make eye contact with strangers. This has not been easy. I’ve gotten a lot of blank confused looks. However, this last time around I got four big smiles. I mean, genuine, wonderful smiles. I want to make those resonant connections with people. I want to be vulnerable. I want to be captivating. I want to pour my life into others.

At the start of this year I did several brave things for this socially awkward girl. There is a wonderful liberation in becoming oneself. Fear and striving chip away at a full heart, they turn something wonderfully alive to stone. Yet, a vulnerable alluring heart opens itself up without fear of rejection. If rejection comes the lens of abounding grace pours out love instead of self-preservation. I’m trying not to look for rejection. Instead, I’m looking for the cracks I can pour my love into.

I’m also giving myself loads and loads of grace. I have social anxiety. There are things that will not be good for me, that will hide my authentic self. If I cannot handle a social situation, it doesn’t mean I’ve failed. Hell, it means I tried and that is amazing!

I’m introverted, but not shy. I need time to process and recharge alone, but I love people (sort of 😉). I’m highly intuitive. In fact, sometimes I’m too intuitive. I can misread someone’s actions or their emotion and misunderstand. I’m very empathetic – I’m going to feel what you feel. I can also be judgmental.

There are times I believe I’m “too much”! I’m overly expressive. I will over share, making others feel uncomfortable. Still, I’d rather throw my heart out there & risk it being trampled than keep a safe distance. I don’t know how to live surface. The only way I can get to know a person is to dive deep. I’ll always share my heart and dance in the light of my redemption.

These tsunami emotions can overload my senses, making me feel unhinged. There are times I just need the thoughts to stop. I labor to explain myself. I’m always inwardly dialoguing before anything comes out of my mouth. I’m seeing a conversation from 100 different angles (just imagine this in a group setting for a second). I also have ADD. I empathize with the dog in “UP”… SQUIRREL!

I was the girl who continually sought male attention for validation, love, and support. Conversely, I sought rejection – and often found it – in every relationship or interaction with a man. You will find what you seek. The wounds cut deep & my worth crumbled creating a stumbling block under my feet.

I told my friend, Bridget, “I feel like I’m sloughing off all the ‘ugly’ in my life”. I’m choosing to look at every rejection in the light of love – a protection from heaven above. I look in the mirror every single day and tell myself, “you are beautiful, you have a caring heart, and people who love you!” Alluring cannot be found in make-up, right clothes, or perfect hair. It is one of the most elusive types of beauty. Webster’s defines it as “powerfully and mysteriously attractive or fascinating; seductive” (shut the front door). With this different kind of beauty, we become the heroines that will change other’s lives. We meet people as reservoirs instead of leaking buckets. Reservoirs are giving with plenty to spare. A leaking bucket flings rusty brokenness on anyone in their wake.

Another life lesson is pour love into people, not opinion. There are times I can feel unheard. This is okay. In a world where everyone is screaming their conclusion – “you’re wrong, I’m right” – I don’t really feel I must be heard. My thoughts and opinions matter, yes. I believe at the end of the day, though, an encouraging word matters more than my thoughts on a certain topic. I don’t have to be right, heard, or understood. I want people to find rest in my sphere. This means I choose to lay down my pride and strive less. There is something to be said for a calm and gentle spirit.

I’m awakening to a new life! Even if rejection does come, I don’t fear it for I know who I am and whose I am!

Beloved, you are breathtaking. A masterpiece orchestrated by a superb craftsman. Let’s shake off the ‘ugly’ & see ourselves in the light of a different beauty.

“You are altogether beautiful, my darling; there is no flaw in you.” – Song of Songs 4:7

“She is more precious than rubies; nothing you desire can compare with her. Long life is in her right hand; in her left hand are riches and honor. Her ways are pleasant ways, and all her paths are peace. She is a tree of life to those who take hold of her; those who hold her fast will be blessed.” – Proverbs 3: 15-18

 

PS…Jesus was rejected constantly, but He continually sought intimacy with each soul He encountered. Don’t fear rejection…live a life so bright people have to put on sunglasses to view it. 😊