Seeking Renewal

And he who was seated on the throne said, “Behold, I am making all things new.” Also he said, “Write this down for these words are trustworthy and true.” – Revelation 21:5 ESV

In my youth I believed that at some point life would fit as a puzzle. The things I battled with would become easier, and life would have meaning and purpose. If I continued to behave well and be a good person then things would mostly work out. This seemingly naïve way of looking at things quickly derailed as suffering seeped into the cracks of life, solidifying into concrete. If only I had been more mobile with the crush of life. I am confident my limbs would not have atrophied and my heart wouldn’t have become a weighted stone.

In releasing myself to the pain, even sitting with it, I began to heal. Life is imperfect. I am imperfect. Imperfection creates a space for hurt, but also grace. The grace of renewal. A real renewal of all things. A daily space where imperfections and perfect love meet.

God knew the tight grip this world would have on His people. He understood that there would be many failures, people left heartsick, and desolate ground where hope was hard to find. It is why Jesus came and sacrificed Himself. He is the seat of all renewal. When we ask the Holy Spirit to come abide with us through the power of the death and resurrection of our Kinsman Redeemer, there is a holy fountain of renewal that we can easily access. The old man still rages, and life doesn’t cease with challenges.

In 2019, my world imploded. I understand that my problems were something that many would want to have. I fully realize that it could have been worse. I didn’t suffer from an incurable disease nor did I experience the loss of a loved one. Yet, the 12 months of that year were met with an internal wrestling, sleep deprivation, chronic pain, and a dog bite to the face (I cannot make that last one up).

A dear friend and I were talking over last year and she said, “but this was supposed to be your year?!” I quickly responded, without thinking, “this was my year!” I believe it was. I realized that things will always derail our sanity, resolve, and scatter our emotions. There is no end to the wily ways of our arch nemesis. Satan sets out to kill and destroy.

In 2020, God gave me the word ‘renewal’. I trust and believe in it with all my heart. I cleave to Him as I never have before. I have always believed in the sacristy of joy in life. There is much wonder to behold. The deepest wounds, the most horrible atrocities, the gaping depth of depression. Each and every one of these scenarios are met with the blood of Christ and the renewal it brings.

Life is not at all what I expected. It feels odd. I’m trying on skin that is a few sizes too small. I want to feel the weight of my own self. I want to know how deep and wide the eternal love flows. I want to pull back the veil and see in a clear mirror. There will always be a fog that keeps us from seeing clearly, this side of heaven at least. We aren’t put here for a finite period to figure out the meaning of it all. We are put here to simply live fully. It is in the discovery of what that means against a sometimes-bleak backdrop that will lead us into deeper renewal with Him.

As the days bleed together and the top spins faster, I am reminded to slow down. I am prompted to remember that everything that comes at me – past, present, future – does affect the where and how my ship progresses through bracken waters. 

In the midst of all that is broken, I want to seek renewal. I want to find those seconds of time where I can be fully present. I want to be aware of all the little things that God does to meet me. It isn’t just the mountain top moments that are easily cataloged. It is all the minute things that He touches in my life that I want to be aware of. The love pats that remind me that I’m not alone. The hand on the small of my back guiding me to where I need to go.

Nothing is aimless. All things have purpose and pour out of the seat of Holy Love. A love that doesn’t take any shape of the world’s view. A pure, deep, wide transcendent love.

I want to anticipate and be aware of those renewal moments. I desire to gain ground.

 I believe new things are happening. I believe in the true and trustworthy love of Jesus. I believe He makes all things new and I have that wellspring to drink from anytime I might need.

“Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.” – Isaiah 43:19 ESV