2020: A Year to Breathe in Hope

Inhale…exhale…the breath of hope in the air! The world has certainly turned on its axis, yet I feel assured that there is purpose in every moment. 2020 is a sacred year full of promise, reflection, determination, and renewal. There is much uncertainty – scratch that – there has always been uncertainty, but now we can no longer mask it with our self-control. These are alarming times. Yet, they are teeming with opportunity.

In the midst of this worldwide pandemic I not only quarantined, worked from home (for a time), but was furloughed for three months. The experience was a bit surreal. I cannot say I actualized my life plan during my time off…carpe diem and all that. In truth, I slept in, took naps, read, binged watched and re-watched television programming, and gained eight pounds. The idea of getting things done that I’d always dreamed of doing just didn’t happen. I rested. It was weird and felt out of body.

Instead of beating myself up for the many things I could and should be doing, I gave myself loads of grace. There were many times that I was completely over my morose sloven self. I was looking at my shortcomings because I wasn’t doing what I thought I should. The resounding message I kept hearing in my heart was “rest”. A time where there was no agenda, no duty, no “have to”. It was a dreamlike and unnatural experience to have in my adult life.

I had to trust God. There was no other option. There was a need to feel grace as sun on skin. I had no worldly ritual to measure my worth. A rediscovery of self was happening. It was as if the painting I had worked on for thirty-nine and a half years was no longer viable. I awoke to a fresh clean white canvas on my easel and a fresh pallet of colors to work with.

Realizations of dreams unimagined was a weighty examination. I came to understand that the idea of me writing a full-length novel was unlikely. This isn’t because I am incapable, but due to my lack of ambition. I prefer playing games on my phone than sketching out on paper the characters that live in my head. The likelihood that I will have a husband and children are not in my scope of possibility. I didn’t mourn these losses. I wasn’t angry that these things were unfulfilled. I just sat with them. Little treasures I put in a treasure box.

In the midst of this pandemic, there was a pervasive reality of inequality, injustice, and systematic racism. There was no longer anyway to look away. There was a need to inspect my white privilege and understand that there was racism in my own heart. A prejudice born of entitlement and misunderstanding. I like to think that I have a love for all people – genuine and true. I hope that I would arise against hate and seek truth in abiding love. The conversations are good. I’m putting my listening ears on. Again, I am learning to experience the nuisances of myself in varied ways, whether good or bad. The world I live in is not what I thought it was.

There is no plan for how the clean slate will be filled. The dead things are still surfacing and being skimmed off the top. At the end of August, I will pass into a new decade and era as I turn forty. In my mid-thirties I was a little hesitant to think on it. Now, I look at it was undeniable hope!! There isn’t any fear in growing older. I feel a resonant well of promise. I want to set my heart on the things I do well. I want a life well-lived. If I’m afforded another 40 years on this planet, I want them to matter. I am grateful for my health, the health of my family, and each trip around the sun I get.

There is so much in the marrow of my soul I want to articulate. I want to bleed hope and infuse it into everyone that is struggling. 2020 is not a year wasted. It is a year of reflection, a year of letting go, a year of uncertainty, and a year that holds so much wonder. There is change happening. As a faith-filled person, I believe that everything happens for the eternal and divine. Instead of God forsaking us, He is abiding with us. He is conscious of each suffering and each aching heart. He loves us and greatly desires to bless us beyond measure.

I am most thankful for Jesus. My one pivotal understanding from all of this is, I want that relationship to flourish. All else will fall under the blanket of His Sovereign will.

2020 is indeed a clean slate. There are many variables and more trials to come, but it is a time to breathe in hope.

“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as the sufferings of Christ abound in us, so our consolation also abounds through Christ.”

 – 2 Corinthians 1:3-5 NKJV